War No More! How To Keep Your Relationship Intact While Tearing Apart Your House

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Two true tests of any romantic relationship include building IKEA furniture together (without losing any of the tiny parts!) and, of course, renovating a house.

As you and your partner work together to achieve the perfect home, even the most straightforward projects can spark arguments, battles, and long-term resentments.

“Home renovations, like any major life change, can bring a lot of stress into a relationship,” says Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho, a licensed social worker and clinical director at Absolute Awakenings in Northern New Jersey.

So before you start looking for couples counselors and building contractors, here are six things to remember when tackling a big home project with your significant other.

Make a solid plan

Before construction begins, discuss how you each envision the renovation. This has enormous potential to eliminate headaches in the long run.

“Before getting started on any project, couples need to discuss their expectations and timeline upfront,” says Kotkin-De Carvalho. “Misaligned expectations can lead to disagreements down the line that really strain a relationship.”

Planning out the renovation from a functional and aesthetic perspective allows each partner to consider design options and choose the plan that works for them as a couple.

“This way, no one will feel like their ideas are being disregarded or ignored,” says Dr. Flora Sadri-Azarbayejani, medical director at Psyclarity Health in Boston.

Get on the same financial page

Money tends to be the stickiest of sticky subjects for most relationships, and adding the pressure of a home renovation can push partners to their limits.

To avoid a fight down the road, be open, honest, and realistic as you agree on the bottom line together.

“Make sure you’re both on the same page about the budget for the project, as well as who will be responsible for what tasks,” says Joni Ogle, a licensed clinical social worker and CEO of The Heights Treatment in Houston and Los Angeles.

And it’s essential to understand from the beginning that the price of a renovation often exceeds the initial estimate, says Dr. Sadri-Azarbayejani.

So be sure to have a contingency plan in place when you draw up your project budget.

Connect with each other

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the pressure of renovation timelines and budgets.

But don’t let that stress overwhelm your entire relationship.

Brunswick, GA-based matchmaker DeAudra Reed recommends regularly engaging with your partner away from home—and not talking about the renovation while you’re out together.

“Getting away from the project will help to create positive feelings and relieve stress, freeing up the emotional and mental capital you both need to endure the renovation process,” says Reed.

Prioritize open communication

In the midst of a home reno, you can easily get swept up in the excitement of choosing fresh paint colors, cabinetry, lighting, and other design elements.

But to ensure both partners feel heard, it’s important to maintain an attitude of compromise in every conversation.

“Scheduling regular check-ins to discuss how the project is going can help keep emotions from boiling over, as well as ensure that expectations are met on both sides,” says Kotkin-De Carvalho.

And there’s hope even for couples with entirely opposite design tastes.

Ben Kuhl, CEO of Shelf Expression, a custom shelving company, recalls a couple on opposing ends of the design spectrum. One partner preferred a modern, minimalist look, while the other liked a traditional, rustic style.

“Initially, they struggled to agree on a design concept, and there were times when they were dismissive of each other’s ideas,” says Kuhl. “However, with open communication and a willingness to compromise, they found a design that incorporated elements of both their styles.”

Celebrate renovation milestones

Don’t forget that you’re both working hard toward the same goal: a beautiful, comfortable home. In that spirit, don’t forget to celebrate the little wins (and the big ones!) together.

“If your only emotional experience together is to yell while holding up a two-by-four, then it is going to cause issues in your relationship,” says Dr. David Helfand, a psychologist in Saint Johnsbury, VT. “So make sure you also celebrate finishing that bathroom framing or when the painting is done. This will help create positive experiences and memories.”

Create a calming space

Designate a physical space where you can retreat from the renovation disarray.

Melissa Gugni, a professional organizer in the San Francisco Bay Area, recalls that she and her husband lived in limbo during a kitchen renovation in their two-bedroom, one-bath apartment. The refrigerator was in her office, while the only running water was in the bathroom. And the constant cloud of dust was miserable for her allergies.

“I decided that to live in that chaos for four months, I needed one room that was as calm and clean as possible,” she says.

So she and her husband set aside their bedroom as the safe space.

“I kept the room tidy and lit candles at night,” says Gugni. “And it ended up being a special place to retreat every night.”

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